Bleeding gum

sounded pretty much like bleeding love. haha. no it doesn’t. 

sabaw ako. pero, napansin kong nagdugo yung (insert tagalog term for gums here) ko habang nagttoothbrush.

Gusto kong makapunta ng korea. Hopefully somewhere malayo sa Pilipinas.. or sa Manila lang. haha. kaso hindi pa ako payat para magbeach or magswimming man lang. weytaminit. basta. gusto ko magtravel. naman. its been more than a week simula nung nakauwi ako from Beijing. namiss ko na maglakad at magpakapagod sa mga tours. But that didn’t sound awesome. 

back to bleeding gum. hmm. scary eh. baka its some kind of illness or some sort. yung bleeding gums. haha pauso. bored ako. more than 5 hours na akong nasa tapat ng computer. masakit na ang mata ko at legs ko (coz i jogged today). haha. papansin. 

Sick sad little world

I stopped numbering. Heck, why did I even start doing that? And how the hell did I get here?

Bakit nga ba bigla akong nagdecide na kailangan kong pumayat? Naalala ko dati, wala akong pakelam. Sige, asarin niyo lang ako. Paki ko ba. — ganyan ako mag-isip. wala naman akong dahilan para magpapayat. I felt good about myself. Kahit mataba ako or hindi. But then again, hindi pala pwedeng parating ganun. Sooner or later, I felt lost. I WAS TRYING TO DENY MYSELF THAT I AM A GIRL and that I felt bad everytime na nasasabihan ng mataba or whatever. Masyado lang akong naging insensitve about that. At habang lalo akong inaasar, naisip ko kung ano nga ba yung natitir pang dahilan para sabihin kong ‘yeah, i feel good and in love myself’. WALA NA AKONG DAHILAN.

To start with, wala akong lovelife, and its a good thing I am not looking for one. and I don’t have any other reason to be proud of myself. And it gets worse, I AM FAT. self image down. diba diba? so all this time, wala akong self esteem. nabubuhay lang ako sa kung anuman na magandang dumating sa buhay ko. as for the other reasons, they are as good as phantoms. non-existent. I’ve been depressed. pero, I realized na wala naman pagdadalhan sakin ng depression. So, better yet, I should start working and make the most out of the remaining months. 

galit muna kami ng chocolates and softdrinks and ng lahat ng pagkain na minahal ko. huhu.

008 - Something’s wrong

Okay. thinking aloud.

I am scared for an unknown reason. Feeling ko kasi, yung parang merong IMPENDING DOOM. tipong merong bad dreams and the like, making it difficult for me to sleep. Ayoko ng ganito. Hindi ako sigurado. at wala akong idea kung ano yung poblema. Intrapersonal ba or environmental? 

Lately kasi, parang merong mali sa sistema ko. You see, I changed my ways. and tried to improve myself. make myself better. STRONGER (hindi ako nagpapamacho). with this, I may have built walls around me again. Those would be really flexible walls. kasi napansin ko na kailangan ganitong structure para mas madaling mag-adapt at mas mahirap na masaktan ako. I’ve been through a lot. at ayoko na maging lonely depressed pathetic person na ako dati. Iba na ako and it’s supposed to be a good thing.

Kaso, ang hindi ko naisip, yung flaws nitong experiment ko sa sarili ko. yung ‘Trying to make myself a better person’ experiment. Like, posible ba na kapag nalingat lang ako sandali, magiging sobrang vulnerable ba ako? Or tipong hindi ko pa napeperfect yung ART OF THE FLEXIBLE WALL? Na ang dami pa ding mali na kahit ano paring gawin ko, meron paring part sa akin na yung dating ako. Yung lonely depressed pathetic version? (pero i highly doubt that) haha.

Ganito ang nagagawa ng exercise day. what a bummer.

007 - Monday is Exercise day

TAENA. it took me almost half of my life para marealize na ang taba ko na. At hindi ito impluwensya ng mga taong nagsasabi na ang taba ko na. Sariling realization. Manhid ako sa critics pagdating sa body weight ko eh. KASO, kung icocompute ang aking body mass index, ako ay nasa tamang timbang. Kaso bakit ang taba taba ko.

so ngayong araw, itinakda ko upang maging exercise day. at sa mga susunod na araw ng bakasyon, yan na ang agenda ko. WALANG MAKAKAPIGIL SA AKIN. KAHIT NA ANG AKING SARILI. disiplina naman. bwisit. kailangan ko ng mawal tong sobrang nadagdag sa timbang ko. huhu.

ito na ang huling blog entry na isusulat ng matabang version ni Madel. HAHA. 

006 - You can’t test the waters

It’s either you can’t or you shouldn’t.

Para sakin, “testing the waters”, in whatever circumstances used, means taking a risk. and I usually do that. I usually test the waters. I always take risks. impulsive and arrogant. But I changed. Suddenly, hindi na ako ganun katapang. Now, I use my mind before doing something. May it be risky or safe. I learned that I shouldn’t/can’t test the waters, IMMEDIATELY. 

Kanina kasi, nagpunta kaming taal lake. Tapos, may “resort” dun. supposedly pwede kaming maligo or magswimming. Kaso, hindi kami nagswimming. Kasi, in the end, hindi lang dahil hindi pwede dahil ukang madumi. Narealize ko na ayokong irisk na magkaroon ng skin disease para lang mapagbigyan ang summer idea na dapat nagsswimming.

Tapos, umitim ako. Umitim yung right half ko. nicccccceee.