Okay. thinking aloud.
I am scared for an unknown reason. Feeling ko kasi, yung parang merong IMPENDING DOOM. tipong merong bad dreams and the like, making it difficult for me to sleep. Ayoko ng ganito. Hindi ako sigurado. at wala akong idea kung ano yung poblema. Intrapersonal ba or environmental?
Lately kasi, parang merong mali sa sistema ko. You see, I changed my ways. and tried to improve myself. make myself better. STRONGER (hindi ako nagpapamacho). with this, I may have built walls around me again. Those would be really flexible walls. kasi napansin ko na kailangan ganitong structure para mas madaling mag-adapt at mas mahirap na masaktan ako. I’ve been through a lot. at ayoko na maging lonely depressed pathetic person na ako dati. Iba na ako and it’s supposed to be a good thing.
Kaso, ang hindi ko naisip, yung flaws nitong experiment ko sa sarili ko. yung ‘Trying to make myself a better person’ experiment. Like, posible ba na kapag nalingat lang ako sandali, magiging sobrang vulnerable ba ako? Or tipong hindi ko pa napeperfect yung ART OF THE FLEXIBLE WALL? Na ang dami pa ding mali na kahit ano paring gawin ko, meron paring part sa akin na yung dating ako. Yung lonely depressed pathetic version? (pero i highly doubt that) haha.
Ganito ang nagagawa ng exercise day. what a bummer.
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